Criminal Minds snippet: "Stupid, old fool" (english)

[dunderklumpen.livejournal.com]

Title: "Stupid, old fool"
Author: dunderklumpen  
Pairing: Rossi/Reid, Morgan/Reid implied + character!death, kind of AU.
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: Only 423 words
Summary: Rossi's thoughts.
Beta: A big thank you to luthien82  for her help.
You know english isn't my mother tongue but hopefully it's readable. If not... drop a comment but be gentle;)
Disclaimer: Criminal Minds is the property of CBS.
Note: Still writer's block. This is just a snippet which came to me two weeks ago.

“Stupid, old fool”

I remember the night you wept in my arms. I held you and we both cried. You mourned the loss of a lover, I mourned the loss of a friend. I remember your desperation and your tears, damp on my chest. And I remember you – the salty taste of your skin and the thick smell of sex which lingered in the air afterwards.

Then came the awkwardness. You couldn’t look me in the eye, avoided and ignored me when Hotch called me into his office. He asked and I answered something about grief but I’m sure he didn’t believe it. In the end he let me go with a sad look and concern on his face.

We worked together, two professionals, until the Samson case which brought back painful memories. That was the night it happened again… and again, and again. You clung to me like a drowning man and I tried my best to save you. I was there, felt your lips on mine, heard your moans while we discovered and explored the planes of our bodies in ways both new to us and yet familiar on a primal level we couldn't explain. We weren't new to these kinds of things, but then they were – to us as two beings coming together it was new all over again. You needed me, needed the sex and the distraction. And I was perfectly satisfied with the fact that you used me to forget him. His caresses, his smile against your skin, his taste in your mouth while he silently whispered words into your ear. You needed me to forget him, my body so different to his: No flexing muscles under dark, smooth skin but softer and older…

Unconsciously you invaded my thoughts during sleep – a thief in the world of my dreams. I felt your touch and heard you cry my name.
I was old enough to know what that meant and called myself a fool. But I couldn’t help the consequences: I fell for you, utterly and completely. So I took what I could get because I had to, needed it…

Time went by until one day I stepped into the office and you smiled at me. It was that special smile I had missed the last few months, that smile that lit up your whole face and let your eyes sparkle with amusement. In that very moment, I knew you wouldn’t come to me again, I knew it was over – and it broke my heart.

The heart of a stupid, old fool!